right there.
a play by Elijah Benson.
(A bedroom. The lights are off and there is stillness. The room could be empty for all we know. Suddenly we hear soft moans and creaks of a bed. The moans grow in intensity and soon it sounds like a full-blown porno - slaps, “DADDY YES”es, ”FUCK”s fill the room. Someone claps and a lamp turns on in the bedroom. An old man sits up, awoken from his sleep by the noise. He mumbles and grumbles as he slowly makes his way across the bedroom to a broom propped against a wall. He begins hitting the ceiling with it.)
Old man: Don’t you two have any respect for your neighbors? We are trying to sleep!
(The sounds of sex continue.)
Old man: So that’s how you want to play it, huh? This’ll show you.
(The old man exits the bedroom and comes back with a vacuum. He begins to vacuum the ceiling. The old man’s wife sits up from her sleep, startled.)
Old woman: Frank! What on earth are you doing?
(He turns off the vacuum.)
Old man: The neighbors sound like they’re trying to climb through each other up there! I heard him call her “Daddy” and I couldn’t take it anymore.
Old woman: Oh, leave them alone! They’re young - let them have their fun.
Old man: Beverly, it’s the middle of the night! (Motioning to their digital alarm clock next to the bed.) 7:36 PM!
Old woman: You sound like an old man.
Old man: I am an old man and I want to sleep like an old man. Matter of fact, let me show you how much of an old man I am.
(He starts vacuuming the ceiling again. The sounds of sex stop. From upstairs:)
Neighbor woman: What the fuck is that noise?
Neighbor man: Shit - it’s that old fuck that lives downstairs.
Old man: See?
Old woman: How do you feel about yourself? Ruining all of their fun when you could just put your earplugs in or turn the TV on?
Old man: Beverly, like you said. I am an old man and old men have a reputation of being sort of stubborn. I will not be the one to break out of that mold.
(Old man gets back into bed and claps to turn off his lamp. Darkness. A beat. Old woman claps to turn her lamp on.)
Old woman: I want a divorce.
Old man: If you don’t turn off that light and go to sleep…
Old woman: I’m serious. I want a divorce.
Old man: Beverly, what are you on about? We have been together since we were 14 years old and we are a stomach bug away from the pearly gates. Go to bed.
Old woman: All the more reason. I still have a list of things that I want to cross off my bucket list and you will only hold me back. There’s still enough time to get tied up by one of those big-nosed Mediterranean fellows. You can’t even reach to tie your own shoes.
Old man: Well now you’re just being cruel!
Old woman: It’s true. I’m going divorce you and immediately board a cruise ship to Greece. Yup, I’m gonna drink like 17 frozen daiquiris and get my cat scratched.
Old man: Are you on something?
Old woman: The only thing I’m on, old man, is life.
(She jumps out of bed and throws a few warm-up punches.)
Old man: For Heaven’s sake, Beverly. Stop acting like a child! You’re starting to piss me off.
Old woman: No, you’re pissing me off! You need to start acting like a child! (Beat.) Do you remember the last time we had sex?
Old man: Honey, at this point I can’t remember my own middle name.
Old woman: It was June 18, 1997. It was after your retirement party. At that point you had barely laid a finger on me in 8 months so I made sure to set the mood just right. Candles by the bed, Patti Labelle playing in the background, (softy) and a little something in your after dinner espresso.
Old man: What was that?
Old woman: (Singing) “I love you and I need you…”
Old man: Not Patti! The part you mumbled under your breath.
Old woman: I may have put something in your coffee that night to uhh stiffen the mood.
Old man: You goofied me!
Old woman: Oh relax!
Old man: I will not relax! You goofied me! That’s a crime!
Old woman: It’s called a roofie first of all. And call the police if you want. They’ll lock me up with some butch named “Spike” who I’m sure will be more than happy putting me in whatever position I beg for. You’ll die cold and alone but I’ll be squirting all over the place! Here - I’ll dial it for you.
Old man: Beverly…
Old woman: No, please Frank. (Going to the landline.) I know you have trouble seeing the numbers on our fucking landline these days so I’ll make it easy for you. (Putting her glasses on.) 9…
Old man: Don’t you dare!
Old woman: 1…
Old man: You’re being ridiculous!
Old woman: 1!
Old man: Hang it up!
Old woman: It’s already ringing!
(He begins to slowly, almost pathetically, chase her around the room. Both ducking through the wires of the landline, she easily dodges him.)
Old man: You’re crazy! They’ll put us in a home!
Old woman: Yes, hello? I need to turn myself in. (Pause.) Yes, I goofied my husband about 25 years ago and…
Old man: Beverly!
Old woman: …have since realized that I don’t belong out on the streets with all of the innocent civilians. What if I attack again?
Old man: Don’t listen to her! She’s lost it, I tell you! Lost it!
Old woman: Yes, sir - goofied. I won’t ask for a lawyer or anything. Just throw me in the pen with Spike and lose the key!
(He finally corners her and snatches the phone away.)
Old man: (Speaking on the phone) Hello? We won’t be needing any assistance - my apologies. (He quickly hangs up the phone.) What the hell did you do that for?!
Old woman: I thought about it and Spike sounds like a great roommate compared to the decaying rot I go to bed with every night.
Old man: Excuse me?!
Old woman: You heard me! You’re contagious! I need to get as far away from you as possible before I end up in a hole!
Old man: Contagious?! You’re older than me!
Old woman: Not in spirit! You’re like a mummy!
Old man: What is this all about, Beverly?! (Goes to grab her.)
Old woman: Ahhh! Don’t touch me! I might disintegrate this time!
Old man: Tell me what is happening! You’re scaring me!
Old woman: Oh, I’m scaring you?
Old man: Yes!
Old woman: Daddy doesn’t like being a little frightened?
Old man: Daddy?! I’m calling a doctor. (Begins dialing the phone.)
Old woman: Yeah, Daddy! Is Baby scaring Daddy?
Old man: You’re crazy.
Old woman: Wahhh!!! Wahhh!!!
Old man: Hello? Dr. Hill? Oh, thank God.
Old woman: Wahhh!!! Wahhh!!!
Old man: Beverly has gone mad!
Old woman: Damn right I’m fucking mad! How could I not be after 75 years sleeping next to a man who never made me cum?!
(He hangs up the phone. After a long beat:)
Old man: Never made you cum?
Old woman: Not once.
Old man: Of course I have!
Old woman: I think I would remember.
Old man: What about those moans and shakes all those years?
Old woman: Those were to get you the hell off of me!
Old man: But we’ve had 8 children! I’ve surely made you orgasm!
Old woman: Nope! I’m no better than a teenage boy’s sock - only good enough to spew a load into before rolling over to snore the night away.
Old man: Stop it! Beverly, why did you never say anything?
Old woman: I am saying something! (Beat.) Hearing you get so worked up over those kids upstairs…it made me think I’ll never experience an orgasm by another person.
Old man: Beverly…
Old woman: Did you know that the night I drugged you I had planned on putting on this little latex number I found at one of those crumby sex stores downtown? I scoured for hours to find something that would push all the right areas together and stretch the others. I almost gave up but I thought that if I had done something spontaneous and sexy for you, you might try a little harder to… By the time I dragged you from the car that night and put everything on you had gone to sleep. I had a whip and everything. Fucking pathetic. (Hurries into their ensuite bathroom.)
Old man: Beverly… I… I don’t know what to say. I thought you always enjoyed everything I did in bed. Do you remember when we first did it? Each other's firsts. I remember getting so excited because it felt like we were finally sealing the deal. Our parents spent our entire childhoods setting us up to one day get married and have a family together, of course, but it wasn’t until I was inside you that I trusted that you actually wanted me. In that moment we weren’t together because our families were close or because I had snuck my way through the back of your parents house to convince you to come out with me. It truly felt like you just needed to be around me - that the only thing to be doing was having sex with me. Beverly, we’ve had a long life together and I can’t accept that it wasn’t pleasurable for you in that regard. There’s not much I can do about it now but…
(Old woman emerges from the bathroom dressed in a latex outfit with knee-high boots, chains, and a whip.)
Old man: Beverly…
Old woman: Shut the fuck up! (Moving toward him.) Mistress has no interest in your bullshit!
Old man: Oh, Jesus. This is…a lot.
Old woman: You know what’s a lot? Pushing 8 little devils out of your cunt for a man who in 75 years never found your fucking clit!
Old man: You look…
Old woman: (Pushing him on the bed and standing over him) Fucking sexy! I look SO fucking sexy!
Old man: Yes, yes… I…
Old woman: Did Mistress tell you to open your slut mouth?
Old man: Ummm, no.
Old woman: No…
Old man: No… Mistress?
Old woman: Good boy - you’re catching on. Now, I want you to know that all this is not for you in the fucking slightest so don’t get excited. From this point forward you do everything that comes out of my mouth. Now put this in your dirty whore mouth. (She points the handle of the whip up to his mouth. He looks at it for a while.)
Old man: Beverly, I…
(She slaps him across his face and steps on his crotch.)
Old woman: My fucking name is Mistress! That’s a demerit! Put this in your mouth NOW!
(Looking up at her, he slowly puts the handle in his mouth.)
Old woman: (Slightly chuckling) Good boy. Now get to work.
(She straddles his face and claps to turn off her lamp. We hear her moan.)
Old woman: That’s right. Ooooo… Not like that! Like thaaaat…
(Her moans intensify. As she starts to scream, police sirens start to blare and red and blue flashing lights fill the bedroom. We hear loud knocks and police chatter. Flashlights shine through the windows. In the flashing lights, we see her ride his face in ecstasy. The lights intensify and switch between the two colors quicker. As she reaches her orgasm the room is filled with bright red light and the police siren steadies in high pitch.)
Old woman: Yes!
(Blackout. End of play.)