the bushwick fish herself.

a (brief) conversation with Kekoa.

4: How has being around other trans people, especially as a drag performer, shaped the way you look at yourself? Do you look at other people and reflect off them to get a sense of your own identity?

K: I have come to the realization that other people probably think about my gender more than I do. I live in this space where clothing is just a piece of fabric - sometimes you wanna be cinched with a tiny waist and a big ass and sometimes we just want to wear big old baggy jeans and a tank top. I think in my experiences with queer people - lately especially - I am meeting more trans people where the intersection of masculinity and femininity are meeting a bit more. But that also assumes that I am thinking about those things because I typically don’t.

4: Does this attitude carry over into your love life? 

K: Before drag and before coming into my transness, I was leaning into these ideas of tops and bottoms and subs and doms - positions, the idea of power. Then I had a realization - do I actually give a shit or do I just want to enjoy the sex?

4: So thinking about it was inhibiting your ability to experience the enjoyment fully?

K: Yeah, adding all this pressure to meet things that don’t inherently mean anything was completely unnecessary.

4: I’ve felt similarly because, especially when I’m with cis men -

K: You feel the need to perform!

4: Yes! I am a woman, I am a very feminine person and want to experience that sexually, but that also invites cis men particularly to pigeon-hole me into that and for that to mean I am into something I’m not.

K: Exactly, we’re playing into what they find sexually valuable because of pornography and media at large which is making them expect it more and puts more pressure on us. I’ll wear a skirt, or a bra, a tucking panty, and a t-shirt and jeans and a button-down shirt or a tuxedo - who gives a shit? I’m still the same person. I wake up and go to sleep and think the exact same things.

4: So you find that your gender identity is not defined by the performance?

K: I do. I think of it as - “I like these colors on my body and this combination of textures. The end.”

4: So then what does define your gender?

K: I don’t.

4: You just exist.

K: I really have reached the point where I am asking why do we still look at gender at this big thing we know it isn’t? We as human beings have let our genitalia decide how we act and think forever but no higher being has ever said “this is inherent.”